Wait, Weight, Wait

Warning: This post will bore you unless you are obsessed with coffee and weight loss.

There was a time (about ten years ago) I lost 15 pounds simply by replacing the heavy cream I drank in my coffee with half and half. At the time, I consumed four cups of coffee a day—36 grams of saturated fat in the heavy cream alone. A healthy diet consists of 20 grams of saturated fat a DAY. I was consuming twice the recommended fat for the day before I had eaten a single bite.

Half and half contains 1 gram of saturated fat per tablespoon, dropping my coffee fat intake from 36 to 12 grams (216 calories) a day. Not an exceptionally healthy start to the day, still I managed to lose 15 pounds in six months doing little else (I also added yoga and cut back on buttered popcorn).

Ten years and one baby later that fifteen pounds is back. 15 pounds is 52,500 calories. To lose 15 pounds in a year requires dumping 143 calories a day from one's diet. It's time to drop another ingredient.

I've now switched from half and half in my coffee to 2% milk. Good bye, 15 lbs! The numbers this time, however, are not as encouraging.

2% milk has .1875 grams saturated per tablespoon, bringing my coffee down to 2.25 grams of saturated fat! Woot, sound great! I am cutting out about 10 grams of saturated fat (90 calories) a day. I should lose the 15 pounds in 18 months. Not 6 months.

To make matters worse, I drink 1.5 cups of coffee these days, not four. Even compensating for adding more milk than half and half to each cup, my coffee-based saturated fat intake will only drop from 6 grams to 1.4 grams, or 46 calories a day. My 15 pounds will disappear in three years.

I can't wait until 2011—I am going to look so hot.

Now That's Smokin

Liquid Smoking promises a cigarette-like experience to help smokers deal with the smoking ban in pubs in England. Yum!

The Dutch Manufacturer, United Drinks and Beauty Corporation (strange name?)—which does not appear to have a web site—says the drink contains no nicotine but does contain roots from South African plants. Cuz we all know how nicotiliscious those are.

Not sure how Liquid Smoking compares to Cocaine Energy Drink, which claims to provide 3.5 times the high of Red Bull. Don't get too excited—you can't get either drink in the U.S.



I'm thinking: if you had a Liquid Smoking, Cocaine Drink and an O'Doul's, you could drink, smoke and do drugs without drinking, smoking and doing drugs. You can have it all! And if you mixed the three together, you can do all three simultaneously. As disgusting as these drinks sound, I'm actually not sure the Diet Coke next to my keyboard is much better.

But What About "I Will Survive"?

I always knew disco could save lives. Turns out "Staying Alive" helps doctors perform CPR. The song contains 103 beats per minute, almost identical to the human heart. I have no idea what this means really but here's hoping your paramedic is wearing an iPod next time you require resuscitating (I bet you can't spell resuscitating without a spellchecker. I couldn't). "Another One Bites The Dust" does almost as well, but the irony factor cancels out the benefit, according to doctors. Personally, I'd be thrilled to be resuscitated by either of these hits. And I can vouch for their life-saving abilities; both of them already helped me survive adolescence.

Dexter Uses Glide

Here from the opening credits of "Dexter," that's Glide dental floss, is it not? I appreciate that Dexter brushes and flosses after breakfast, rather than before. This is a necessity for non-foul breath.

Dexter dominates me. "Just one episode" I told myself, giddily freeing Disc 1 Season 2 from its Netflix wrapping. All three episodes (what, no extras?) and three hours later it was midnight and still I could have watched the entire season back to back if they weren't stuck in my queue. Now if only there were more scenes with Lauren Velez.

Watch Out For Flipper

With the Dow plunging and Social Security maybe going bankrupt, and visions of yourself eating cat food in your old age etc., et al, you may be wondering: what should I have them do with my body after I die? Cash out what's left of your retirement savings and buy yourself a plot in this underwater cemetery, of course. Plots are surprisingly affordable, according to its web site. I cannot confirm this because I don't have the correct Java or something to roll over a plot and get a price. But maybe you do.

Supposedly it's good for the environment, yes your loved ones can dive and visit your grave and yes there are financing options.

You may have other questions about underwater burial. If so, click here.

I Like Glide

Add this to the list of Best of Costco: Glide Dental Floss. Usually I get Le Genéric at CVS but I was at Costco and in desperate need of floss and this billion pack of Glide was all Costco sold. Glide is super expensive, you can tell by the faux chrome packaging. It's $3-4 a pop even at Costco but wow, what an experience. It's like flossing with buttered silk. It's a massage for the teeth. There is breath freshener and teeth whitener soaked right into the floss.

And it's not string like the fishing line floss of yore. Crest calls it tape. It's wide and thick and soft and yes, it glides between your teeth. It doesn't gouge the gums like the CVS brand. Not convinced? Fine. I have a passel unused CVS floss you can have.

Possibly flossing daily adds 6 years to your life. 100, 106—do I want to live six years longer? How much cat food can I eat? But now that I have kids, I don't want to miss out on anything. I may be blind and deaf and wheelchair-bound at my great grandkids birth, but my teeth will look great.